My dearest A.,

This is my very first letter to you. 

I have Christmas in my head and actually all around me. Drinking wine, having awesome sight outside my window - the snow has almost reached the window, neighbors having Christmas lights in their windows and it is still snowing, listening to Christmas music - during the year I had forgotten how amazing voice Bing Crosby has, smell of mandarins, my little puppy girl running around. It is all I've ever wanted - live alone in my own apartment, do whatever I feel like doing and you know - have total freedom. But do I feel happy now?

Right now I am single, unemployed, little lost in what I want in life, without the support of my father. Am I turning out to be a bad person? I mean, not the person I wanted to be but then again - what I want to be? That's what has been on my mind for a while actually, since I came back from Mexico, no that's not it. When I came back I was eager to go to university, which I did but guess that was where I got confused. It was not the right subject for me and it was not meant to be. So I quit and worked as a babysitter. Now I am done with that - unemployed.

Which brings us to talking about my unemployment. I would love to find a job but not the office one or not with children because I'm done with children for a while. Also I want to take some time for myself but there are always strings attached - money. I need to live, to eat, to feed my puppy and well... money is essential for everything I do and need. And I can't live on my parents necks, especially when my mum's family are expecting some money problems, I know that my mummy would help me in every possible way, like on Saturday she is bringing me some things that I can use for living - bed, fridge, pots, pans, potatoes, etc. and I love her for that. My dad.. well, we are experiencing some difficulties. But that's another story. So.. we're back to the fact that I need a job. But finally what kind of job can I find without higher education than high school and without Russian language? I am scared to end up like a homeless person with a dog. 

Single. It sounds awful. But then again I don't understand myself - one moment I want to have a relationship, the next I don't. Guess I have too high standards for the other person who I would consider my boyfriend. I mean, I don't want to be trapped. Like ''don't tell me what to do, and I won't tell you where to go'' or as I once said to a friend of mine ''I want to be free and belong to''. Or you know, I just haven't found the right guy. Although from time to time I wouldn't mind being with all the wrong guys. Sometimes, like tonight, I miss being taken out to opera, expositions, dinner, a walk, miss being called just because somebody is thinking of me or receiving a sweet text message. Oh.. it made me miss my special summer guy when I was 17. He was an amazing person. Have I told you about him? No? Okay, here it goes, well.. there was this one guy who I met somewhere and we began having long phone calls, sometimes even during all night. But the most amazing thing was when he did things like - called me up at 2am to just tell me to meet him somewhere nearby my house to have a picnic. On our first date we met in the middle of a bridge. And one night even ate strawberries lying on the ground somewhere in the Old Town. Mmm, it was amazing. Why can't I find somebody like that again? Why there isn't anybody who would just ask me out on a date. I really want to go on a date!

I just thought of a question - can I have a sexual ''relationship'' without getting caught with the feelings? Please, answer this one.

This is a part of my life where I am confused and have no idea what to do, where to go. It is the messy part but I hope life will soon show me some directions. Soon it is my birthday and I want it to be the nicest one ever. But finally I will just spend at home, drinking wine - alone. Once somebody said that being alone is good, being lonely is not good anymore. And right now I am lonely because everybody's moving on with their lives.

I will write you soon again.

Love, Anna.